life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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