And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
high people should be assigned attendants
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
