ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
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