4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
