Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Randomize
