Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
