GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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