somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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