First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
This couple is walking their pig around campus
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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