He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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