the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
