so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
