Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
