now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Randomize
