i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
