the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I understand Curling. That high.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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