I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
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