somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I licked your asshole in confidence.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
