Dude my mom stole all your condoms
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Randomize
