watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
