A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Randomize
