i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
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