Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
