if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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