she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
the raccoons are back...
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