Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
