it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
