Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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