Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
