I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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