Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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