Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
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