Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
