She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
