never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
