Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
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searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
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They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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