I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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