best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
