when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
