he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Randomize
