I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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