My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
