i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
