I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
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i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
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An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
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