I like to think it a success when the cops are called
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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