I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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