Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
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