We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
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