Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Randomize
