I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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