I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I'm eating all of the evidence.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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