I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
