I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
