Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
