how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
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