tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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