if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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