Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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